Below are examples of how many of us speak English today. Taken from The Malaysian Today. Out of 100, I chose only 10. They are all true cases.
10. In a hotel a girl calls out to her friends: "Come lets jump into the poo(pool)"
9. A student writing an essay on how to bake a cake,
After all the ingredients are poured in the bowl, DISTURB (stir) the mixture....
8. At a job interview:
Q: You have a long name. So how do I address you?
A: I live in Gombak Setia sir.
7. Another essay by a student: "He suffer from low SELF OF STEAM (self-esteem)"
6. Overheard at a coffeeshop:
"No, I don't want iced lemon tea. I want teh-o-ais-limau."
5. An article by a journalism student in a local university:
"The man died after the post mortem."
4. During a war scene in a movie, a soldier tells his men to run for cover and screams "duck!". The subtitles read: "ITIK!"
3. A part time worker at a concert hall needs to stamp the wrists of patrons going out for a break. She says: "Excuse me sir, can I chop your hand"
2. "Wait later I call you on my CELLULITE phone (cellular phone)"
1. Interview between an airline company and a flight attendant wannabe.
Q: What do you know about flight safety procedures?
A: Passengers must leave their belongigs during EJACULATION (evacuation)
Check out other Top Tens
Showing posts with label Top Ten. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Top Ten. Show all posts
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Top Ten: Signs You Are Approaching a By-election
10. Some groups take to the streets to protest against a concert by a foreign artist.
9. Certain group of supporters launch an event “Beat The Journalist”
8. Muslims spend a lot more time at the mosques, for the ceramah and free praying mat.
7. Every eligible voter is RM300 richer.
6. Bus tickets to the constituency are sold out.
5. Petrol price decreased a few days before.
4. The MB announces that there will be a public holiday for the state.
3. Somebody got sodomized.
2. No ‘real’ news in the newspaper.
1. Someone with the name ‘Arif Shah’ or ‘Anwar’ knocks on you front door.
Check out other Top Tens
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Top Ten: Signs Pak Lah Has Too Much Time On His Hands
10. Spends most of the day looking for friends on Facebook.
9. Stops by Najib's office every five minutes to see if he's doing his work.
8. He goes from home to home campaigning in Permatang Pauh.
7. Sits in front of Sri Perdana and waves at cars.
6. The man has the whole set of 'FRIENDS' in his office.
5. Gives the Putrajaya lake boat tour.
4. Earlier today, he washed and waxed Prime Minister's personal jet.
3. Writes an article for Malaysiakini and Malaysia Today.
2. Takes part in the Beijing Olympics.
1. Finally catching up on unread intelligence memos.
Check out other Top Tens
9. Stops by Najib's office every five minutes to see if he's doing his work.
8. He goes from home to home campaigning in Permatang Pauh.
7. Sits in front of Sri Perdana and waves at cars.
6. The man has the whole set of 'FRIENDS' in his office.
5. Gives the Putrajaya lake boat tour.
4. Earlier today, he washed and waxed Prime Minister's personal jet.
3. Writes an article for Malaysiakini and Malaysia Today.
2. Takes part in the Beijing Olympics.
1. Finally catching up on unread intelligence memos.
Check out other Top Tens
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Top Ten: Police Quotes
These 10 were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
10. 'Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
8. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
7. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
6. 'Can you run faster than 1200 ft/second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
5. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?'
4. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'
3. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't...Sign here.'
Click here for other Top Tens
10. 'Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
8. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
7. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
6. 'Can you run faster than 1200 ft/second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
5. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?'
4. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'
3. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't...Sign here.'
Click here for other Top Tens
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Top Ten : Incidents Related to Oil Price Hike
Regarding the recent 'unpopular' price hike, I would like to present to you Top Ten : Incidents Related to Oil Price Hike.
10. Bill Gates made an announcement that he would resign to venture in the oil industry.
9. An unemployed person holds a placard “Will work for gas”
8. Sometime in the future, “I want to purchase this house for 10 barrels of oil”
7. With every purchase of 10 litres of gas, you will get a free car.
6. A burglar enters the petrol kiosk while pointing a gun to the cashier “This is a robbery, quick, give me a full tank”
5. Police officer: Hmm…the burglar didn’t take anything except siphoning gas from the car.
4. Next to the pirated DVD’s there is a counter that says ‘Cheap oil by the litre’
3. At the bank, “I need a loan to buy some gas please”
2. Ah long (loan shark) comes to your doorstep, “Where is the 25 litres of petrol that you owe me, including interest, that’s about 125 litres”
1. After being asked to pullover Ali said to the policeman, “What if I give you half a tank and we assume that this never happened”
Check out other Top Ten here
10. Bill Gates made an announcement that he would resign to venture in the oil industry.
9. An unemployed person holds a placard “Will work for gas”
8. Sometime in the future, “I want to purchase this house for 10 barrels of oil”
7. With every purchase of 10 litres of gas, you will get a free car.
6. A burglar enters the petrol kiosk while pointing a gun to the cashier “This is a robbery, quick, give me a full tank”
5. Police officer: Hmm…the burglar didn’t take anything except siphoning gas from the car.
4. Next to the pirated DVD’s there is a counter that says ‘Cheap oil by the litre’
3. At the bank, “I need a loan to buy some gas please”
2. Ah long (loan shark) comes to your doorstep, “Where is the 25 litres of petrol that you owe me, including interest, that’s about 125 litres”
1. After being asked to pullover Ali said to the policeman, “What if I give you half a tank and we assume that this never happened”
Check out other Top Ten here
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Top Ten: Signs Paula Abdul Needs A Vacation
Courtesy of Late Show with David Letterman
10. Calls every contestant "Sanjaya"
9. Didn't give any compliments
8. Thought Randy is Michael Jackson's brother
7. Simon chews his pen, she eats them like pretzel rods
6. After a song, she asks to buy a vowel
5. Asks the contestants if they want to use a lifeline if they were eliminated
4. She and five imaginary friends are planning to rob Mick Jagger
3. Begins every sentence with, "This may be the gin talking"
2. Hasn't seduced a contestant in weeks
1. Amy Winehouse called her and said, "Dude, you're nuts"
10. Calls every contestant "Sanjaya"
9. Didn't give any compliments
8. Thought Randy is Michael Jackson's brother
7. Simon chews his pen, she eats them like pretzel rods
6. After a song, she asks to buy a vowel
5. Asks the contestants if they want to use a lifeline if they were eliminated
4. She and five imaginary friends are planning to rob Mick Jagger
3. Begins every sentence with, "This may be the gin talking"
2. Hasn't seduced a contestant in weeks
1. Amy Winehouse called her and said, "Dude, you're nuts"
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Top Ten: Ways to Make AF More Interesting
If I were not mistaken Akademi Fantasia (AF) reveals its finalists last night. Some may cherish as their favourites are qualified for the finals and some may not. After 6 seasons of airing, there calls for this over publicised reality show to take a rest and perhaps continue after they devise a new formula to enchant the crowd again. Nevertheless, if they are still continuing the show next year, here are some advices for you. It may be pricey, but it's worth it.
10. Rafidah Aziz and Shahrizat as contestants to add some 'colour' to the show.
9. Then again, grandmas shouldn't participate in the show and reintroduce the age limit.
8. The host, AC Mizal, announces the reunion of his former band 4U2C and plan a roadshow around the country.
7. Create a mascot for AF, just like Digi except it is red in colour and able to dance.
6. Change the name of the show from AF to FA.
5. Invite Simon Cowell to be one of the guest judges.
4. If not, let him be the principal of AF7.
3. Make it an online only show, that worked for Malaysian Dream Girls.
2. To make the participants more comfortable singing, renovate the stage to look like a bathroom.
1. Use a new motto, "Now everyone can sing LIVE".
10. Rafidah Aziz and Shahrizat as contestants to add some 'colour' to the show.
9. Then again, grandmas shouldn't participate in the show and reintroduce the age limit.
8. The host, AC Mizal, announces the reunion of his former band 4U2C and plan a roadshow around the country.
7. Create a mascot for AF, just like Digi except it is red in colour and able to dance.
6. Change the name of the show from AF to FA.
5. Invite Simon Cowell to be one of the guest judges.
4. If not, let him be the principal of AF7.
3. Make it an online only show, that worked for Malaysian Dream Girls.
2. To make the participants more comfortable singing, renovate the stage to look like a bathroom.
1. Use a new motto, "Now everyone can sing LIVE".
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Top Ten: Hollywood Remakes, Malaysian Style
Lately, we have seen a couple of made in Malaysia movies that scooped a few concepts from Hollywood movies. To name a few, KL Drift, Cicakman and Evolusi Drift are movies that aspire to be like their American counterparts but fail in many aspects. Perhaps directors, screenwriters and producers should consider these films as their next production.
10. Raba-man (Spider-man)
9. Poll Wars: BN Strikes Back (Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back)
8. Poll Wars: Return of the Opposition ( Star Wars: Return of the Jedi)
7. Million Dollar PM (Million Dolar Baby)
6. Stranger Than Fact (Stranger Than Fiction)
5. Pirates of the Straits (Pirates of the Caribbean)
4. National Treasure : Book of Scandals ( National Treasure: Book of Secrets)
3. There's Something about Mamaks (There's Something About Mary)
2. Majority Report (Minority Report)
1. The Goodfather-in-law (The Godfather)
10. Raba-man (Spider-man)
9. Poll Wars: BN Strikes Back (Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back)
8. Poll Wars: Return of the Opposition ( Star Wars: Return of the Jedi)
7. Million Dollar PM (Million Dolar Baby)
6. Stranger Than Fact (Stranger Than Fiction)
5. Pirates of the Straits (Pirates of the Caribbean)
4. National Treasure : Book of Scandals ( National Treasure: Book of Secrets)
3. There's Something about Mamaks (There's Something About Mary)
2. Majority Report (Minority Report)
1. The Goodfather-in-law (The Godfather)
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Top Ten: George W. Bush Ideas For Stimulating the Economy
Courtesy of Late Show with David Letterman.
10.Send troops to invade U.S. Mint
9.Oprah gives everybody a new car
8.Turn Grand Canyon into a giant national "Have a penny, leave a penny" jar
7.Cheney threatens to shoot treasury secretary in the face
6.Plans to fix economy in third term
5.Replace Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke with briefcase babes from "Deal or No Deal"
4.Send elite team of economists to rob Mick Jagger's apartment
3.Ahhh -- somebody help...Cloverfield monster...Run for your lives!
2.Maybe not spending a billion dollars a month in Iraq?
1.Forget the economy -- why doesn't someone try stimulating Condoleezza?
Check out previous Top Ten posts here.
10.Send troops to invade U.S. Mint
9.Oprah gives everybody a new car
8.Turn Grand Canyon into a giant national "Have a penny, leave a penny" jar
7.Cheney threatens to shoot treasury secretary in the face
6.Plans to fix economy in third term
5.Replace Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke with briefcase babes from "Deal or No Deal"
4.Send elite team of economists to rob Mick Jagger's apartment
3.Ahhh -- somebody help...Cloverfield monster...Run for your lives!
2.Maybe not spending a billion dollars a month in Iraq?
1.Forget the economy -- why doesn't someone try stimulating Condoleezza?
Check out previous Top Ten posts here.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Top Ten: Languages Spoken In the World
10. French, Number of speakers: 129 million.Often called the most romantic language in the world, French is spoken in tons of countries, including Belgium, Canada, Rwanda, Cameroon, and Haiti. Oh, and France too. We're actually very lucky that French is so popular, because without it, we might have been stuck with Dutch Toast, Dutch Fries, and Dutch kissing (ew!).To say "hello" in French, say "Bonjour" (bone-JOOR).
9. Malay (Indonesian), Number of speakers: 159 million Malay-Indonesian is spoken - surprise - in Malaysia and Indonesia. Actually, we kinda fudged the numbers on this one because there are many dialects of Malay, the most popular of which is Indonesian. But they're all pretty much based on the same root language, which makes it the ninth most-spoken in the world.Indonesia is a fascinating place; a nation made up of over 13,000 islands it is the sixth most populated country in the world. Malaysia borders on two of the larger parts of Indonesia (including the island of Borneo), and is mostly known for its capital city of Kuala Lumpur.To say "hello" in Indonesian, say "Selamat pagi" (se-LA-maht PA-gee).
8. Portuguese, Number of speakers: 191 million. Think of Portuguese as the little language that could. In the 12th Century, Portugal won its independence from Spain and expanded all over the world with the help of its famous explorers like Vasco da Gama and Prince Henry the Navigator. (Good thing Henry became a navigator . . . could you imagine if a guy named "Prince Henry the Navigator" became a florist?) Because Portugal got in so early on the exploring game, the language established itself all over the world, especially in Brazil (where it's the national language), Macao, Angola, Venezuela, and Mozambique.To say "hello" in Portuguese, say "Bom dia" (bohn DEE-ah).
7. Bengali, Number of speakers: 211 million. In Bangladesh, a country of 120+ million people, just about everybody speaks Bengali. And because Bangladesh is virtually surrounded by India (where the population is growing so fast, just breathing the air can get you pregnant), the number of Bengali speakers in the world is much higher than most people would expect.To say "hello" in Bengali, say "Ei Je" (EYE-jay).
6. Arabic, Number of speakers: 246 million. Arabic, one of the world's oldest languages, is spoken in the Middle East, with speakers found in countries such as Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Iraq, Syria, Jordan, Lebanon, and Egypt. Furthermore, because Arabic is the language of the Koran, millions of Muslims in other countries speak Arabic as well. So many people have a working knowledge of Arabic, in fact, that in 1974 it was made the sixth official language of the United Nations.To say "hello" in Arabic, say "Al salaam a'alaykum" (Ahl sah-LAHM ah ah-LAY-koom) .
5. Russian, Number of speakers: 277 million. Mikhail Gorbachev, Boris Yeltsin, and Yakov Smirnoff are among the millions of Russian speakers out there. Sure, we used to think of them as our Commie enemies. Now we think of them as our Commie friends. One of the six languages in the UN, Russian is spoken not only in the Mother Country, but also in Belarus, Kazakhstan, and the U.S. (to name just a few places).To say "hello" in Russian, say "Zdravstvuite" (ZDRAST-vet- yah).
4. Spanish, Number of speakers: 392 million. Aside from all of those kids who take it in high school, Spanish is spoken in just about every South American and Central American country, not to mention Spain, Cuba, and the U.S. There is a particular interest in Spanish in the U.S., as many English words are borrowed from the language, including: tornado, bonanza, patio, quesadilla, enchilada, and taco grande supreme.To say "hello" in Spanish, say "Hola" (OH-la).
3. Hindustani, Number of speakers: 497 million. Hindustani is the primary language of India's crowded population, and it encompasses a huge number of dialects (of which the most commonly spoken is Hindi). While many predict that the population of India will soon surpass that of China, the prominence of English in India prevents Hindustani from surpassing the most popular language in the world. If you're interested in learning a little Hindi, there's a very easy way: rent an Indian movie. The film industry in India is the most prolific in the world, making thousands of action/romance/ musicals every year.To say "hello" in Hindustani, say "Namaste" (Nah-MAH-stay) .
2. English, Number of speakers: 508 million. While English doesn't have the most speakers, it is the official language of more countries than any other language. Its speakers hail from all around the world, including the U.S., Australia, England, Zimbabwe, the Caribbean, Hong Kong, South Africa, and Canada. We'd tell you more about English, but you probably feel pretty comfortable with the language already. Let's just move on to the most popular language in the world.To say "hello" in English, say "What's up, freak?" (watz-UP-freek) .
1. Mandarin, Number of speakers: 1 billion+Surprise, surprise, the most widely spoken language on the planet is based in the most populated country on the planet, China. Beating second-place English by a 2 to 1 ratio, but don't let that lull you into thinking that Mandarin is easy to learn. Speaking Mandarin can be really tough, because each word can be pronounced in four ways (or "tones"), and a beginner will invariably have trouble distinguishing one tone from another. But if over a billion people could do it, so could you. Try saying hello!To say "hello" in Mandarin, say "Ni hao" (Nee HaOW). ("Hao" is pronounced as one syllable, but the tone requires that you let your voice drop midway, and then raise it again at the end.)
Check out my previous Top Ten posts here.
9. Malay (Indonesian), Number of speakers: 159 million Malay-Indonesian is spoken - surprise - in Malaysia and Indonesia. Actually, we kinda fudged the numbers on this one because there are many dialects of Malay, the most popular of which is Indonesian. But they're all pretty much based on the same root language, which makes it the ninth most-spoken in the world.Indonesia is a fascinating place; a nation made up of over 13,000 islands it is the sixth most populated country in the world. Malaysia borders on two of the larger parts of Indonesia (including the island of Borneo), and is mostly known for its capital city of Kuala Lumpur.To say "hello" in Indonesian, say "Selamat pagi" (se-LA-maht PA-gee).
8. Portuguese, Number of speakers: 191 million. Think of Portuguese as the little language that could. In the 12th Century, Portugal won its independence from Spain and expanded all over the world with the help of its famous explorers like Vasco da Gama and Prince Henry the Navigator. (Good thing Henry became a navigator . . . could you imagine if a guy named "Prince Henry the Navigator" became a florist?) Because Portugal got in so early on the exploring game, the language established itself all over the world, especially in Brazil (where it's the national language), Macao, Angola, Venezuela, and Mozambique.To say "hello" in Portuguese, say "Bom dia" (bohn DEE-ah).
7. Bengali, Number of speakers: 211 million. In Bangladesh, a country of 120+ million people, just about everybody speaks Bengali. And because Bangladesh is virtually surrounded by India (where the population is growing so fast, just breathing the air can get you pregnant), the number of Bengali speakers in the world is much higher than most people would expect.To say "hello" in Bengali, say "Ei Je" (EYE-jay).
6. Arabic, Number of speakers: 246 million. Arabic, one of the world's oldest languages, is spoken in the Middle East, with speakers found in countries such as Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Iraq, Syria, Jordan, Lebanon, and Egypt. Furthermore, because Arabic is the language of the Koran, millions of Muslims in other countries speak Arabic as well. So many people have a working knowledge of Arabic, in fact, that in 1974 it was made the sixth official language of the United Nations.To say "hello" in Arabic, say "Al salaam a'alaykum" (Ahl sah-LAHM ah ah-LAY-koom) .
5. Russian, Number of speakers: 277 million. Mikhail Gorbachev, Boris Yeltsin, and Yakov Smirnoff are among the millions of Russian speakers out there. Sure, we used to think of them as our Commie enemies. Now we think of them as our Commie friends. One of the six languages in the UN, Russian is spoken not only in the Mother Country, but also in Belarus, Kazakhstan, and the U.S. (to name just a few places).To say "hello" in Russian, say "Zdravstvuite" (ZDRAST-vet- yah).
4. Spanish, Number of speakers: 392 million. Aside from all of those kids who take it in high school, Spanish is spoken in just about every South American and Central American country, not to mention Spain, Cuba, and the U.S. There is a particular interest in Spanish in the U.S., as many English words are borrowed from the language, including: tornado, bonanza, patio, quesadilla, enchilada, and taco grande supreme.To say "hello" in Spanish, say "Hola" (OH-la).
3. Hindustani, Number of speakers: 497 million. Hindustani is the primary language of India's crowded population, and it encompasses a huge number of dialects (of which the most commonly spoken is Hindi). While many predict that the population of India will soon surpass that of China, the prominence of English in India prevents Hindustani from surpassing the most popular language in the world. If you're interested in learning a little Hindi, there's a very easy way: rent an Indian movie. The film industry in India is the most prolific in the world, making thousands of action/romance/ musicals every year.To say "hello" in Hindustani, say "Namaste" (Nah-MAH-stay) .
2. English, Number of speakers: 508 million. While English doesn't have the most speakers, it is the official language of more countries than any other language. Its speakers hail from all around the world, including the U.S., Australia, England, Zimbabwe, the Caribbean, Hong Kong, South Africa, and Canada. We'd tell you more about English, but you probably feel pretty comfortable with the language already. Let's just move on to the most popular language in the world.To say "hello" in English, say "What's up, freak?" (watz-UP-freek) .
1. Mandarin, Number of speakers: 1 billion+Surprise, surprise, the most widely spoken language on the planet is based in the most populated country on the planet, China. Beating second-place English by a 2 to 1 ratio, but don't let that lull you into thinking that Mandarin is easy to learn. Speaking Mandarin can be really tough, because each word can be pronounced in four ways (or "tones"), and a beginner will invariably have trouble distinguishing one tone from another. But if over a billion people could do it, so could you. Try saying hello!To say "hello" in Mandarin, say "Ni hao" (Nee HaOW). ("Hao" is pronounced as one syllable, but the tone requires that you let your voice drop midway, and then raise it again at the end.)
Check out my previous Top Ten posts here.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Top Ten: Courtroom's Most Hilarious Moments
Believe it or not, as smart as we think the lawyers are, there are times when they fumble and stumble with their question. Perhaps in their 'noble' effort to make the suspects or witnesses confused, they confused themselves instead.This week, as you can see, I've been focusing entirely towards the judiciary system, be it the judges or lawyers. Therefore, in the fourth edition of the weekly Top Ten, I present to you the courtroom's most hilarious moments.
10.Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
9. Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"
8. Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases
he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"
7. Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. OK? What school do you go to?"
Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Witness: "Oral."
6. Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."
5. Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None."
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"
4. Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
3. Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
2. Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
1. Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No." Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer:"So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
10.Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
9. Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"
8. Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases
he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"
7. Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. OK? What school do you go to?"
Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Witness: "Oral."
6. Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."
5. Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None."
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"
4. Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
3. Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
2. Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
1. Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No." Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer:"So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Top Ten: Ways to be a 'Great' politician
This is the third Top Ten of the series. To check out previous ones, click on the label-Top Ten. This week, we are going to ponder on ways to be a 'great' politician (note the inverted commas). Ways to ascend the political ladder faster than KJ and keeping you in office longer than Samy Vellu.
10. Divert the real question.
How many times have you read or heard interviews where the interviewer will ask "What is Y.B.'s opinion about......." and the politician will give a totally out of the topic answer? Every time right? Keep the people away from the problems that you cant solve and make them focus on the one that you can or you think you can.Try doing that and you will climb the political hierarchy in no time.
9. Accept and distribute gifts.
Accept holidays, shares or maybe a new car from businessmen and give them contracts, projects and land in return. Focus on your negotiating skills and learn how to bargain. After a few years you will get your income without any effort and you could cover things up by doing charity work e.g. inviting people to your 'palace' for a game of bowling give money at every open house (good investment)
8. Have a good relationship with celebrities
like Mawi or the recently famous Malaysian Astronaut, Dr. Sheikh Muzafar Shukor. Bring them to your campaign. Make them talk nice things about you and your party. Launch their albums or books. Turn them into the party's icon. Most importantly don't forget to give them their 'souvenirs' while you are at it.
7. Deliver long speeches
but with little or no points at all. Keep rambling for hours and hours. The longer you talk the better they think your oratory skills are. One of the PM once did this. The next day, the headlines of the newspaper was 'PM berucap 5 jam tanpa teks (PM gave a speech for 5 hours without a text)' . Good publicity, isn't it?
6. Invent a new word
or a new term. This is another way to ascend the political ladder swiftly. Many have done it and many have succeeded . The people will never forget you as long as the word is being used regularly. Hence, we can assume that the more words that you create, the more your popularity rates are. e.g. the word glocal for 'global but local' (Najib), kesinambungan for continuation (Anwar), dara for blood, dada for drugs (Samy Vellu).
5. Able to do damage control.
Especially if you get caught in a sex scandal like the previous Health Minister. Keep cool and say "It's me in the video but I didn't make the video"
4. 'Yes man' goes a long way.
Say what your superiors want to hear. Support them unconditionally. Criticise their detractors. Rally behind them and show your support. If all goes well, you will smell the promotion that is waiting for you at the end of the road. But if they lose, its time to shift allegiance.
3. Issue contradictory statements.
Lets just say that there were times when you were on the present bos' bad side, for example you wrote a thesis criticising their administration. It is time to make a complete U-turn. distance yourself from your thesis by saying that its just an academic practice and you are now 100% behind his leadership. Hey, even politicians are allowed to change their minds.
2. Make a good comeback.
A life of a politician have its ups and downs. When you are at the most bottom never ever think of resigning.This is an opportunity for you to make a comeback, Remember, quitting politics means foregoing the chance to make easy money, it is a fight worth fighting for. One of the most famous comeback revolves around a politician who had been charged of money trafficking to Australia. He tendered his resignation as MB and head of the Selangor's UMNO. But stayed on until the time is right to pounce back.His excuse of 'I don't understand English' and some fortunate 'investments' apparently saved himself from further investigation. Now, he is a minister and the head of Selangor's UMNO once again.
1. Tell lies directly in your supporters face.
One example that I can highlight is that you tell the people that you wont dissolve the Parliament tomorrow but next day, you announce the dissolution of the Parliament. Do this and without a doubt you will be the 'most respectable' politician in the world. Con men from all over will come to you and learn from the master himself.
10. Divert the real question.
How many times have you read or heard interviews where the interviewer will ask "What is Y.B.'s opinion about......." and the politician will give a totally out of the topic answer? Every time right? Keep the people away from the problems that you cant solve and make them focus on the one that you can or you think you can.Try doing that and you will climb the political hierarchy in no time.
9. Accept and distribute gifts.
Accept holidays, shares or maybe a new car from businessmen and give them contracts, projects and land in return. Focus on your negotiating skills and learn how to bargain. After a few years you will get your income without any effort and you could cover things up by doing charity work e.g. inviting people to your 'palace' for a game of bowling give money at every open house (good investment)
8. Have a good relationship with celebrities
like Mawi or the recently famous Malaysian Astronaut, Dr. Sheikh Muzafar Shukor. Bring them to your campaign. Make them talk nice things about you and your party. Launch their albums or books. Turn them into the party's icon. Most importantly don't forget to give them their 'souvenirs' while you are at it.
7. Deliver long speeches
but with little or no points at all. Keep rambling for hours and hours. The longer you talk the better they think your oratory skills are. One of the PM once did this. The next day, the headlines of the newspaper was 'PM berucap 5 jam tanpa teks (PM gave a speech for 5 hours without a text)' . Good publicity, isn't it?
6. Invent a new word
or a new term. This is another way to ascend the political ladder swiftly. Many have done it and many have succeeded . The people will never forget you as long as the word is being used regularly. Hence, we can assume that the more words that you create, the more your popularity rates are. e.g. the word glocal for 'global but local' (Najib), kesinambungan for continuation (Anwar), dara for blood, dada for drugs (Samy Vellu).
5. Able to do damage control.
Especially if you get caught in a sex scandal like the previous Health Minister. Keep cool and say "It's me in the video but I didn't make the video"
4. 'Yes man' goes a long way.
Say what your superiors want to hear. Support them unconditionally. Criticise their detractors. Rally behind them and show your support. If all goes well, you will smell the promotion that is waiting for you at the end of the road. But if they lose, its time to shift allegiance.
3. Issue contradictory statements.
Lets just say that there were times when you were on the present bos' bad side, for example you wrote a thesis criticising their administration. It is time to make a complete U-turn. distance yourself from your thesis by saying that its just an academic practice and you are now 100% behind his leadership. Hey, even politicians are allowed to change their minds.
2. Make a good comeback.
A life of a politician have its ups and downs. When you are at the most bottom never ever think of resigning.This is an opportunity for you to make a comeback, Remember, quitting politics means foregoing the chance to make easy money, it is a fight worth fighting for. One of the most famous comeback revolves around a politician who had been charged of money trafficking to Australia. He tendered his resignation as MB and head of the Selangor's UMNO. But stayed on until the time is right to pounce back.His excuse of 'I don't understand English' and some fortunate 'investments' apparently saved himself from further investigation. Now, he is a minister and the head of Selangor's UMNO once again.
1. Tell lies directly in your supporters face.
One example that I can highlight is that you tell the people that you wont dissolve the Parliament tomorrow but next day, you announce the dissolution of the Parliament. Do this and without a doubt you will be the 'most respectable' politician in the world. Con men from all over will come to you and learn from the master himself.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Top Ten: Chandler's Take on Life
Bored of the same casual conversation everyday. Where your friend will ask you something and you will either answer yes or no and the conversation just ends. Fret not, here are the top ten quotes by Chandler Bing from everyone's favourite comedy in the 90's FRIENDS that you can apply in your everyday conversation to put some zest in to it.
10. When someone asks you for advice on their relationship and you are afraid that by advising, things could only become worse,reply:"I'm not so good with the advice... Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?“- Chandler Bing
9. If someone asks you whether you had sex in high school, reply:"Yeah, well, I went to boarding school with four hundred boys. Any sex I had would've involved a major lifestyle choice." - Chandler Bing
8.When you(a guy) are with a girl in a conversation and they condemn boys for being ignorant, shallow minded etc, say:"Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. Did I say that out loud?"- Chandler Bing
7.A girl asks you,"You're a guy, what's you opinion about........", reply:"Well if I were a guy. Wait, did I just say 'If I were a guy'?“-Chandler Bing
6. A friend says "I'm going to woo her with a little music from record player/walkman." or any outdated phrases, reply:"Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1800's when that phrase was last used."- Chandler Bing
5. You don't know what to get for a friend on his/ her birthday, say:"That's great. Last year I got the gift of space. We should get together and make a continuum."- Chandler Bing
4. You're jobless and someone wants to borrow your tie, reply:"Okay, but you'll have to give it back when I get a job. Of course, by then, ties will be obsolete and we'll all be wearing silver jumpsuits."- Chandler Bing
3.(For guys) Your girl pals are talking about CLEO,COSMO or other girl related magazine/issues." All right, I took the quiz (cosmo), and it turns out, I do put career before men." - Chandler Bing
2.You're out of shape and someone asks you whether you are a gym member' reply: "Oh yeah, I'm a gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I've missed the last ... twelve hundred times"
1.When you are caught telling your friends' secrets to other friends, reply:"I tell people secrets. It makes them like me." - Chandler Bing
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Top Ten: Unfortunate Situations to Be In
Besides my normal posts, I shall introduce to you a countdown of ten things based on the week's topic. I will treat it like a series. My Top Ten series. Yeah that's what I'll call it. Hopefully I can produce it once a week. So you have a reason to come visit my blog weekly and I can guarantee that a week I'll at least have one new post. My materials might be from my experience or someone else's. Which is which, you have to find out yourselves eh. Without rambling much further, here's the first of the series, Top ten unfortunate situations to be in:
10. You're at the exit(mainly shopping mall) and you forgot to pay the parking using the auto pay machine.
Especially, when you realise that, the cars had started queueing behind you.There's no turning back. They honked at you like no body's business and you start to panic.aargghhh. But the bright side is that the parking attendant might get panic too and let you off for free.
9. People honk in tense situations.
Tense situations here could mean like the above or in a traffic jam. You know, when you're stuck there and nowhere else to go, and suddenly this wise guy began honking. It then triggers a chain reaction. As a result everyone honks without knowing who they are honking at. And everyone ends up feeling more stressed out than before. We should promote this culture to foreigners for the Tourism Malaysia.
8.Trying to find a clear traffic exiting KL during peak hours(evening).
You've been driving for quite some time and you know basically all the roads exiting KL like the back of your hand. You turn here and turn there and make another turn somewhere just to end up in another place that is congested. It's just pointless as KL is right smack in the middle of the hot zone. You can't run away from this.
7. Forgot to pay for your meal.
Had lunch, walked around the mall, after a while passed the restaurant again and the waiter reminded you that haven't paid.Hahaha, how unfortunate or may I say embarrassing was that. Of course it was unintentional, but do you think the waiter is going to buy that excuse.
6. It rains and you find a bird poop on your car after you've just washed it.
Talk about watermarks. The car was at its best, all sparkling and all clean. Someone could have mistaken it for a new car. But the bird just couldn't do its business before you washed your car. Always after.*sigh* It is just wasn't meant to be.
5.You have to pay extra even though you rushed to exit the car park.
Talking about ironic, here's one. You parked somewhere that the rates are very expensive. So you tried your best not to get charged extra. Your watch showed 2 mins till the extra charge. You sped off to your car and drove to the exit. By the time you got through the exits, you still need to pay extra because the time stated on the ticket is a few minutes earlier than it should be.
4. You are late for Maths.
I'm not talking of 10-30 mins. late, but 1 hour. If you can't get anything inside your head when you attend the class from the beginning, imagine how is it when you attend the class barely knowing what the lecturer is talking about. Picture this, Math in French. Here, the phrase 'better late than never' doesn't apply.
3. Some stranger waves at you and you waved back....
but actually its his/her friend behind you that he/she was waving at. To look cool, you pretended that you're waving to someone far away or do a weird dance with both hands up in the air like you don't care (not recommended).
2. While you were drinking someone utter a funny statement making you spout the water in your mouth.
If you're lucky, the water will just fall into your plate. If not,well then that's another case. Make an excuse that you were trying to test how far can you spout water from your mouth. Ask them to try. Then you won't be the only one looking foolish. hahaha.
1. Arguing with a doctor
Relax, the doctor that I mean here is not the practicing one, whom prescribes medicine for you nor is it the one that jabs you with vaccine when you get flu. I'm talking about the ones with PhD's i.e some lecturers. Even though when you are sure that you are right, you have all the facts straight, you understand the subject matter clearly and you expressed your thoughts directly, the doctor will end up winning the argument. I don't know how he does it but he will stick to his principles no matter how bad his communcation skill is and try to emphasise his point. I guess the moral here is never argue with a doctor (PhD).
10. You're at the exit(mainly shopping mall) and you forgot to pay the parking using the auto pay machine.
Especially, when you realise that, the cars had started queueing behind you.There's no turning back. They honked at you like no body's business and you start to panic.aargghhh. But the bright side is that the parking attendant might get panic too and let you off for free.
9. People honk in tense situations.
Tense situations here could mean like the above or in a traffic jam. You know, when you're stuck there and nowhere else to go, and suddenly this wise guy began honking. It then triggers a chain reaction. As a result everyone honks without knowing who they are honking at. And everyone ends up feeling more stressed out than before. We should promote this culture to foreigners for the Tourism Malaysia.
8.Trying to find a clear traffic exiting KL during peak hours(evening).
You've been driving for quite some time and you know basically all the roads exiting KL like the back of your hand. You turn here and turn there and make another turn somewhere just to end up in another place that is congested. It's just pointless as KL is right smack in the middle of the hot zone. You can't run away from this.
7. Forgot to pay for your meal.
Had lunch, walked around the mall, after a while passed the restaurant again and the waiter reminded you that haven't paid.Hahaha, how unfortunate or may I say embarrassing was that. Of course it was unintentional, but do you think the waiter is going to buy that excuse.
6. It rains and you find a bird poop on your car after you've just washed it.
Talk about watermarks. The car was at its best, all sparkling and all clean. Someone could have mistaken it for a new car. But the bird just couldn't do its business before you washed your car. Always after.*sigh* It is just wasn't meant to be.
5.You have to pay extra even though you rushed to exit the car park.
Talking about ironic, here's one. You parked somewhere that the rates are very expensive. So you tried your best not to get charged extra. Your watch showed 2 mins till the extra charge. You sped off to your car and drove to the exit. By the time you got through the exits, you still need to pay extra because the time stated on the ticket is a few minutes earlier than it should be.
4. You are late for Maths.
I'm not talking of 10-30 mins. late, but 1 hour. If you can't get anything inside your head when you attend the class from the beginning, imagine how is it when you attend the class barely knowing what the lecturer is talking about. Picture this, Math in French. Here, the phrase 'better late than never' doesn't apply.
3. Some stranger waves at you and you waved back....
but actually its his/her friend behind you that he/she was waving at. To look cool, you pretended that you're waving to someone far away or do a weird dance with both hands up in the air like you don't care (not recommended).
2. While you were drinking someone utter a funny statement making you spout the water in your mouth.
If you're lucky, the water will just fall into your plate. If not,well then that's another case. Make an excuse that you were trying to test how far can you spout water from your mouth. Ask them to try. Then you won't be the only one looking foolish. hahaha.
1. Arguing with a doctor
Relax, the doctor that I mean here is not the practicing one, whom prescribes medicine for you nor is it the one that jabs you with vaccine when you get flu. I'm talking about the ones with PhD's i.e some lecturers. Even though when you are sure that you are right, you have all the facts straight, you understand the subject matter clearly and you expressed your thoughts directly, the doctor will end up winning the argument. I don't know how he does it but he will stick to his principles no matter how bad his communcation skill is and try to emphasise his point. I guess the moral here is never argue with a doctor (PhD).
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