Top Ten: Ways to be a 'Great' politician

This is the third Top Ten of the series. To check out previous ones, click on the label-Top Ten. This week, we are going to ponder on ways to be a 'great' politician (note the inverted commas). Ways to ascend the political ladder faster than KJ and keeping you in office longer than Samy Vellu.

10. Divert the real question.
How many times have you read or heard interviews where the interviewer will ask "What is Y.B.'s opinion about......." and the politician will give a totally out of the topic answer? Every time right? Keep the people away from the problems that you cant solve and make them focus on the one that you can or you think you can.Try doing that and you will climb the political hierarchy in no time.

9. Accept and distribute gifts.
Accept holidays, shares or maybe a new car from businessmen and give them contracts, projects and land in return. Focus on your negotiating skills and learn how to bargain. After a few years you will get your income without any effort and you could cover things up by doing charity work e.g. inviting people to your 'palace' for a game of bowling give money at every open house (good investment)

8. Have a good relationship with celebrities
like Mawi or the recently famous Malaysian Astronaut, Dr. Sheikh Muzafar Shukor. Bring them to your campaign. Make them talk nice things about you and your party. Launch their albums or books. Turn them into the party's icon. Most importantly don't forget to give them their 'souvenirs' while you are at it.

7. Deliver long speeches
but with little or no points at all. Keep rambling for hours and hours. The longer you talk the better they think your oratory skills are. One of the PM once did this. The next day, the headlines of the newspaper was 'PM berucap 5 jam tanpa teks (PM gave a speech for 5 hours without a text)' . Good publicity, isn't it?

6. Invent a new word
or a new term. This is another way to ascend the political ladder swiftly. Many have done it and many have succeeded . The people will never forget you as long as the word is being used regularly. Hence, we can assume that the more words that you create, the more your popularity rates are. e.g. the word glocal for 'global but local' (Najib), kesinambungan for continuation (Anwar), dara for blood, dada for drugs (Samy Vellu).

5. Able to do damage control.
Especially if you get caught in a sex scandal like the previous Health Minister. Keep cool and say "It's me in the video but I didn't make the video"

4. 'Yes man' goes a long way.
Say what your superiors want to hear. Support them unconditionally. Criticise their detractors. Rally behind them and show your support. If all goes well, you will smell the promotion that is waiting for you at the end of the road. But if they lose, its time to shift allegiance.

3. Issue contradictory statements.
Lets just say that there were times when you were on the present bos' bad side, for example you wrote a thesis criticising their administration. It is time to make a complete U-turn. distance yourself from your thesis by saying that its just an academic practice and you are now 100% behind his leadership. Hey, even politicians are allowed to change their minds.

2. Make a good comeback.
A life of a politician have its ups and downs. When you are at the most bottom never ever think of resigning.This is an opportunity for you to make a comeback, Remember, quitting politics means foregoing the chance to make easy money, it is a fight worth fighting for. One of the most famous comeback revolves around a politician who had been charged of money trafficking to Australia. He tendered his resignation as MB and head of the Selangor's UMNO. But stayed on until the time is right to pounce back.His excuse of 'I don't understand English' and some fortunate 'investments' apparently saved himself from further investigation. Now, he is a minister and the head of Selangor's UMNO once again.

1. Tell lies directly in your supporters face.
One example that I can highlight is that you tell the people that you wont dissolve the Parliament tomorrow but next day, you announce the dissolution of the Parliament. Do this and without a doubt you will be the 'most respectable' politician in the world. Con men from all over will come to you and learn from the master himself.