Race to Istana Negara

Aug 1 -Heavily influenced by reality shows like the Amazing Race and such, Malaysia hopped on the bandwagon and organised its own program, ‘Race to Istana Negara’. Unlike the Amazing Race, contestants are not expected to run around in circles navigating themselves and cross the globe to search for clues. Instead, the routes are laid out for them and they are not required to run the distance as of a marathon.

A piece of cake you say? Here’s the catch. To add more excitement, the police were stationed at strategic places as obstacles and roadblocks for the participants. Sources informed that the cops have equipped themselves with tear gas and water canon for this event. This, however, did not discourage the participation of more than 30000 people. Due to the overwhelming response, the organisers divided them into two teams, Pro-ISA and Anti-ISA. Each wearing white and red t-shirts respectively. Participants were to work in teams, and the team that reached the finish line the fastest wins.

There are three possible outcomes awaiting the participants. The first is reaching the finish line, which is Istana Negara (National Palace). Second is stumbling to a roadblock midway which will lead them straight to jail (kind of reminds you of monopoly isn’t it?). The third is you can opt to exit the race by diverting from the route.

As the final tally showed, only 1 person managed to reach the finish line (Pro-ISA), more than 400 were sent to jail (Anti-ISA) and the others decided to call it a day(mostly Anti-ISA). Even though the participant from Pro-ISA finished the race thus claiming victory for his team, participants from Anti-ISA claimed there is preferential treatment towards this individual and should be disqualified for it. Consequently, the Anti-ISA claimed that they are the real winners of the day. Below are their reactions.

The man who reached the finish line: I wore the pro-ISA T-shirt underneath a Visit Malaysia T-shirt, to avoid being noticed by the authorities.

Pro-ISA: We won since we reached the palace and given the memo to the palace.

Anti-ISA: Victory is ours. The world has known our struggle.

Barisan Nasional: This race is a waste of time and public funds. This is all PR's doing. The security of the country is under threat.

Pakatan Rakyat: What security threat? It is our democratic right to do so.

Agong: What Race????

Top Ten: Reasons To School Them In English

Below are examples of how many of us speak English today. Taken from The Malaysian Today. Out of 100, I chose only 10. They are all true cases.

10. In a hotel a girl calls out to her friends: "Come lets jump into the poo(pool)"

9. A student writing an essay on how to bake a cake,
After all the ingredients are poured in the bowl, DISTURB (stir) the mixture....

8. At a job interview:
Q: You have a long name. So how do I address you?
A: I live in Gombak Setia sir.

7. Another essay by a student: "He suffer from low SELF OF STEAM (self-esteem)"

6. Overheard at a coffeeshop:
"No, I don't want iced lemon tea. I want teh-o-ais-limau."

5. An article by a journalism student in a local university:
"The man died after the post mortem."

4. During a war scene in a movie, a soldier tells his men to run for cover and screams "duck!". The subtitles read: "ITIK!"

3. A part time worker at a concert hall needs to stamp the wrists of patrons going out for a break. She says: "Excuse me sir, can I chop your hand"

2. "Wait later I call you on my CELLULITE phone (cellular phone)"

1. Interview between an airline company and a flight attendant wannabe.
Q: What do you know about flight safety procedures?
A: Passengers must leave their belongigs during EJACULATION (evacuation)

Check out other Top Tens

Unhappy ending

Two ghosts met and both chat about how they died.
1st ghost : How u died?

2nd ghost : I died of cold.

1st ghost : How does it feel when you're dying in cold?

2nd ghost : Actually, I was imprisoned in the refrigerator. Initially, I was shivering, then my whole body started to freeze, later I felt the whole world was dark and I died. Fortunately, I died with not much sufferings.

1st ghost : You're so pityful....

2nd ghost : How about you? How did u die?

1st ghost : I died from heart attack.

2nd ghost : I see, why did u have a heart attack?

1st ghost : Actually, I found out that my wife is having an affair with another man. One day, when I came back from work, saw a pair of man shoes outside my house. Then, I realized that the guy was in my house with my wife. When I rushed into the bedroom, my wife was alone. I must find where that bastard is hiding. So I searched the toilet, I ran downstairs, looked in the storeroom, but the bastard was not there. So, I ran upstairs and searched the wardrobe, but I found nothing. Because I was too tired of all that running,I got a heart attack and died.

2nd ghost : Why didn't you look for the bastard in the fridge? If you did, both of us would be alive now!!

Top Ten: Signs Pak Lah Has Too Much Time On His Hands

10. Spends most of the day looking for friends on Facebook.

9. Stops by Najib's office every five minutes to see if he's doing his work.

8. He goes from home to home campaigning in Permatang Pauh.

7. Sits in front of Sri Perdana and waves at cars.

6. The man has the whole set of 'FRIENDS' in his office.

5. Gives the Putrajaya lake boat tour.

4. Earlier today, he washed and waxed Prime Minister's personal jet.

3. Writes an article for Malaysiakini and Malaysia Today.

2. Takes part in the Beijing Olympics.

1. Finally catching up on unread intelligence memos.

Check out other Top Tens

Chopping down the cherry tree - M'sian political version

By Vijay Kumar Murugavell

I remember a story told to me by my late father regarding telling the truth and facing the consequences. It has been a story told by many a father to his offspring.I am of the conviction that the truth is not always a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ and many of us miss the point when it comes to taking decisive action. Legend has it that George Washington, America's first president, chopped down a cherry tree in his youth. The story goes that George gives the tree a good swing and chops it down with an axe. His father sees the damaged tree and asks his son if he knows who did the deed. George is quoted bravely admitting the truth:‘I can't tell a lie, Pa; you know I can't tell a lie. I did cut it with my axe.’

Below is a satire of how some Malaysian politicians circa 2008 may have reacted to the question:

Abdullah Ahmad Badawi - ‘I did not cut down the tree , I was just taking a nap underneath it.’

Najib Razak - ‘I swear that I have never MET that tree.’

Hishamuddin Hussein Onn- ‘...but I only own a keris ,not axe, how to cut down the tree?’

Dr Mahathir Mohamd - ‘Apa nama cherry tree, yes, I chopped it down because, I don't like the idea of Pak lah sleeping under it.’

Chua Soi Lek - ‘Yes it was me, I resign as caretaker of this orchard.’

VK Lingam - ‘It could be me, it might have been me but I don't think its me.’

Anwar Ibrahim - ‘I did NOT do it, and I am not giving any DNA sample for you to plant on the axe handle.’

Mohd Khir Toyo - ‘The new state government should just trim the grass and not waste time asking who cut the tree.’

Ahmad Said (Terengganu MB) - ‘I chopped it because cherry trees are more expensive to maintain than durian trees.’

Azalina Othman - ‘The cherry tree is not included under my tourism MOU so I cut it down and besides there were unauthorised signboards put up around the tree.’

Shabery Cheek - ‘I challenge you to a debate on tree cutting.’

S Samy Velu - ‘I chopped it because Hindraf members were using it as a meeting point.

Wira Ali Rustam - ‘We have planted durian trees for 50 years and we will plant them for another 50 years, we do not need cheery trees, apple trees , pear trees and all these other foreign trees.’

Rais Yatim - ‘You must see the bigger picture, Ahmad said cherry trees are expensive to maintain, Ali Rustam said that are against our national identity and I needed to test my new axe, so you see, it is a WIN-WIN situation all around.’

Sharir Samad - ‘I cut the tree because we could no longer afford to subsidise it.’

Karpal Singh - ‘The bigfoot creature did it.’

Bung Mokhtar - ‘The big monkey did it’

Pandikar Amin Mulia - ‘There is nothing in the standing orders against chopping cherry treesKinabatangan duduk, Bukit Gelugor duduk .

Khairy Jamaluddin - I did not do it, neither did the Mat Rempits. By the way, what's a cherry tree?’

Lim Kit Siang - ‘Cherry tree also you don't know, you are an insult to Oxford!’

Nazri Abdul Aziz - ‘Racist, racist, racist! When we cut down durian trees nobody made a fuss. Now...’

Malaysian Citizens - ‘Oh for heavens sake! Somebody plant something before we all starve to death!’

Related posts:

Laugh Out Loud
Top Ten: Police Quotes

Top Ten: Police Quotes

These 10 were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

10. 'Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

8. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

7. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

6. 'Can you run faster than 1200 ft/second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

5. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?'

4. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'

3. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't...Sign here.'

Click here for other Top Tens

Flip Flop Plunder

When he said its another two years of reign
It drove into my spine a sharp piercing pain
But its sure worse for the idiot in-waiting
Not to mention Imelda the wife, the queen of shopping

Now that PKR and friends are deep into the game
Not witch hunting but digging their dirt all the same
With Altantuya, the jet and submarine scandals
Nothing the two could do with such a hefty load to handle

What about the punks in Umno who are out for the post
Or those in the know who want covered dirt exposed
Even Pak Lah the flip flop may want him chopped
Like a slow released time bomb waiting to be dropped

Would the nation again believe the same poor liwat script?
With the faggot P.A. getting his behind whipped?
For he could just kick Anwar's 'forefront'
If Anwar really did, and he did'nt really want

The stupid moron must really be a sick spent homo
For he could have advanced but Anwar said No
If it worked, he could've enjoyed a two-in-one hole
One for the script writer, and the other for his gayish soul

Hey is it really that easy to see that 'mighty menteri'?
Just pop in, knock the door for he is ever ready?
Or go to his villa, peep by the gate and you are welcome
As his palace is an open hose;not just for some

Come on dude we're not stupid nor dumb
Even a standard one kid wink an eye to his mom
Upon hearing the news he asked, do they think we are Forrest Gump?
To believe the plot from those unholy scums?

For as long as UMNO Malays keep bowing to any idiot with clout
Always say yes to the boss but at the back cursing him loud
Like the loony Malacca son of Rustam or the progeny of Toyo
That keep only the UMNO Malays dumber with their political yo yo

Whosoever voice out, they brand as power crazy opposition
Fearing their status quo lost, no more chance to rip the nation
For fifty long years they kept promising and pledging
Supposedly fighting for the poor but only their bellies kept bulging

Oh the number 1 was ever so humbly, honest and Godly at the start
Being the imam for prayers and reading religious poetry to win people's heart
As if those were not enough to impress, he boasted Mr Clean ad invented Hadari
But people got depressed as he got more dirty increasing wealth for his family

He cheated election, bribed voters and made the Police and Judiciary tools
To conveniently contrive, manipulate, and made us fools
Forgetting all the promises, pledges and pleading when he needed support
Turning deaf ears, and perennially day-sleep even in court

Enough is enough of UMNO's bulls and fakeries
It's high time we kick their behinds and draw the boundaries
Wipe off theses political maggots and let Malaysia be clean
The future of our children and motherland is not for spin

By Ibn Sheikh Kabeer

Related Posts:

Chopping down the cherry tree - M'sian political version
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Your Parrot Is Dead Senor

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane?? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'
'Yes, Senor Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'
'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade Super Quad 460 golf club.'

SILENCE . . . . . . . . . . LONG SILENCE

'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!'

Top Ten: Signs Paula Abdul Needs A Vacation

Courtesy of Late Show with David Letterman

10. Calls every contestant "Sanjaya"

9. Didn't give any compliments

8. Thought Randy is Michael Jackson's brother

7. Simon chews his pen, she eats them like pretzel rods

6. After a song, she asks to buy a vowel

5. Asks the contestants if they want to use a lifeline if they were eliminated

4. She and five imaginary friends are planning to rob Mick Jagger

3. Begins every sentence with, "This may be the gin talking"

2. Hasn't seduced a contestant in weeks

1. Amy Winehouse called her and said, "Dude, you're nuts"

The New Age Dictionary

The Oxford Dictionary's latest definition of the following words.

Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

And Finally,

Technology : When everyone is crowding in front of the TV waiting for American Idol's results, you've already seen it on youtube.

Red Skelton's Recipe For The Perfect Marriage

Richard Bernard “Red” Skelton (July 18, 1913 – September 17, 1997) was an American comedian who was best known as a top radio and television star from 1937 to 1971. Skelton's show business career began in his teens as a circus clown and went on to vaudeville, Broadway, films, radio, TV, clubs and casinos, while pursuing another career as a painter.



This is from one of his acts, The Perfect Marriage, enjoy.

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a littlebeverage, good food and companionship She goes on Tuesdays; I go onFridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine isin Texas .

3. I take my wife everywhere .... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggestedthe kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric breadmaker. She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sitdown!' So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running wellbecause there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was.She told me, 'In the lake.'

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for thegarbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know herfirst name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, 'What's on theTV?' I said, 'Dust!'

'God Bless.'

Top Ten: Hollywood Remakes, Malaysian Style

Lately, we have seen a couple of made in Malaysia movies that scooped a few concepts from Hollywood movies. To name a few, KL Drift, Cicakman and Evolusi Drift are movies that aspire to be like their American counterparts but fail in many aspects. Perhaps directors, screenwriters and producers should consider these films as their next production.

10. Raba-man (Spider-man)

9. Poll Wars: BN Strikes Back (Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back)

8. Poll Wars: Return of the Opposition ( Star Wars: Return of the Jedi)

7. Million Dollar PM (Million Dolar Baby)

6. Stranger Than Fact (Stranger Than Fiction)

5. Pirates of the Straits (Pirates of the Caribbean)

4. National Treasure : Book of Scandals ( National Treasure: Book of Secrets)

3. There's Something about Mamaks (There's Something About Mary)

2. Majority Report (Minority Report)

1. The Goodfather-in-law (The Godfather)

Top Ten: George W. Bush Ideas For Stimulating the Economy

Courtesy of Late Show with David Letterman.

10.Send troops to invade U.S. Mint

9.Oprah gives everybody a new car

8.Turn Grand Canyon into a giant national "Have a penny, leave a penny" jar

7.Cheney threatens to shoot treasury secretary in the face

6.Plans to fix economy in third term

5.Replace Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke with briefcase babes from "Deal or No Deal"

4.Send elite team of economists to rob Mick Jagger's apartment

3.Ahhh -- somebody help...Cloverfield monster...Run for your lives!

2.Maybe not spending a billion dollars a month in Iraq?

1.Forget the economy -- why doesn't someone try stimulating Condoleezza?

Check out previous Top Ten posts here.

Top Ten: Courtroom's Most Hilarious Moments

Believe it or not, as smart as we think the lawyers are, there are times when they fumble and stumble with their question. Perhaps in their 'noble' effort to make the suspects or witnesses confused, they confused themselves instead.This week, as you can see, I've been focusing entirely towards the judiciary system, be it the judges or lawyers. Therefore, in the fourth edition of the weekly Top Ten, I present to you the courtroom's most hilarious moments.

10.Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

9. Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

8. Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases
he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"

7. Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. OK? What school do you go to?"
Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Witness: "Oral."

6. Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

5. Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None."
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"

4. Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

3. Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

2. Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

1. Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No." Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer:"So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Court of a different kind

If we are talking about courts, the first thing that would cross our minds could be the judiciary system, the rot in the judiciary, or even the now-famous V.K. Lingam. Usually, courts would be associated with either seriousness, guilt or sadness. Though sometimes funny things do happen to lighten things up, there only a handful of them and purely accidental. Along came Comedy Court to change the stigma. No, its not the court for comedians to face trial. The 'Court' is short for courtiers, hence the full name would be Comedy Courtiers. Consists of two very intelligent entertainers,Allan Perera and Indi Nadarajah, they embark on a journey to charm and woo the hearts of their audiences with their wit. Thanks to their creative efforts , courts could now be an epitome of satire, joy and laughter. Here is one for you.





Transcript (for those who can't quite understand):

Court : Court Banguunnn!!!

Judge : Anda boleh mula Encik Loganathan..

Loganathan : Yang Bertinggi (Your Highness).. Saya mahu buat ini permohonan untuk cakap dalam bahasa English.. yang ariff..

Judge : Cuba jalankan kes kamu dalam Bahasa Malaysia dulu!

Loganathan : Err..baik yang arif.. Saya si Loganathan bagi pihak pemohon dan ini teman pundeyman saya..

Duraisingham : Saya..saya..Saya punya tuhan (My Lord) Apa macam dia kata sama saya pundaman..??

Loganathan : Mana saya ada cakap!!

Duraisingham : Dia cakap saya pundaman.. Ini si Loganathan, dia dia punya mulut manyak busuk.. Dia tadak kasi sama saya, apa mahu kata saya perkatakan.. Hah! dia tarak kasi sama saya.. 'Firstly nasi dan courtesy kanasi'..

Loganathan : Yang arif, mana saya tidak memprofessionalkan mencourtesy-kanasikan..sikim..
Saya cakap teman Budiman.. Kerana Encik Duraisingham tak tahu apakah dia meaning-kemeaningan.. Tolong cakap ini Duraisingham untuk memdictionarykan apakah dia meaning-meaning ayat.. Jangan menshoutkan sebiji seorang Idiot dinasikan.. Walaubagaimanapun yang arif, saya akan carry-on tuan.. Yang ariff, ini.. Yang arif adalah satu.. 'How the hell do you say..?' Ini adalah satu Jamban..yang ..err.. Ini Jamban ..'Bring a motion' tuan..

Duraisingham : Saya punya Tuhan (My Lord)
Dia cakap, saya itu itu punya jam saya tada cakap itu Bahasa Melayu.. Tapi tengok saya punya saya punya pasal, dia saya ingat dia yang tak tahu cakap ini Bahasa Melayu..

Loganathan : Kalau tahu apa ..??

Duraisingham : Saya cakap sama ini lu..lu kata pigi Jamban.. Itu tada butul, perkataan yang patut ialah 'Pigi Tandas!'

Loganathan : My Lord..Pigi tandas!!!

Judge : Gentleman, gentlemen, before the court interpreted 'Die from Shock' or before I have to hold you for contempt of the National Language.. Please do us all a favour and continue in English...!!

Duraisingham : Very Good Judgement my Lord!

*****************

The best part of this group is that they are not only confined to courtroom humour. Their works range from press conferences to chit chatting at the Spa. Satiring Malaysian lifestyle that we are too familiar of especially politics. Apart from that, they have improvised a few songs with vocalists that could beat the Akademi Fantasia participants hands down. For more of details, you can visit their website or better still watch their videos on YouTube.

Top Ten: Ways to be a 'Great' politician

This is the third Top Ten of the series. To check out previous ones, click on the label-Top Ten. This week, we are going to ponder on ways to be a 'great' politician (note the inverted commas). Ways to ascend the political ladder faster than KJ and keeping you in office longer than Samy Vellu.

10. Divert the real question.
How many times have you read or heard interviews where the interviewer will ask "What is Y.B.'s opinion about......." and the politician will give a totally out of the topic answer? Every time right? Keep the people away from the problems that you cant solve and make them focus on the one that you can or you think you can.Try doing that and you will climb the political hierarchy in no time.

9. Accept and distribute gifts.
Accept holidays, shares or maybe a new car from businessmen and give them contracts, projects and land in return. Focus on your negotiating skills and learn how to bargain. After a few years you will get your income without any effort and you could cover things up by doing charity work e.g. inviting people to your 'palace' for a game of bowling give money at every open house (good investment)

8. Have a good relationship with celebrities
like Mawi or the recently famous Malaysian Astronaut, Dr. Sheikh Muzafar Shukor. Bring them to your campaign. Make them talk nice things about you and your party. Launch their albums or books. Turn them into the party's icon. Most importantly don't forget to give them their 'souvenirs' while you are at it.

7. Deliver long speeches
but with little or no points at all. Keep rambling for hours and hours. The longer you talk the better they think your oratory skills are. One of the PM once did this. The next day, the headlines of the newspaper was 'PM berucap 5 jam tanpa teks (PM gave a speech for 5 hours without a text)' . Good publicity, isn't it?

6. Invent a new word
or a new term. This is another way to ascend the political ladder swiftly. Many have done it and many have succeeded . The people will never forget you as long as the word is being used regularly. Hence, we can assume that the more words that you create, the more your popularity rates are. e.g. the word glocal for 'global but local' (Najib), kesinambungan for continuation (Anwar), dara for blood, dada for drugs (Samy Vellu).

5. Able to do damage control.
Especially if you get caught in a sex scandal like the previous Health Minister. Keep cool and say "It's me in the video but I didn't make the video"

4. 'Yes man' goes a long way.
Say what your superiors want to hear. Support them unconditionally. Criticise their detractors. Rally behind them and show your support. If all goes well, you will smell the promotion that is waiting for you at the end of the road. But if they lose, its time to shift allegiance.

3. Issue contradictory statements.
Lets just say that there were times when you were on the present bos' bad side, for example you wrote a thesis criticising their administration. It is time to make a complete U-turn. distance yourself from your thesis by saying that its just an academic practice and you are now 100% behind his leadership. Hey, even politicians are allowed to change their minds.

2. Make a good comeback.
A life of a politician have its ups and downs. When you are at the most bottom never ever think of resigning.This is an opportunity for you to make a comeback, Remember, quitting politics means foregoing the chance to make easy money, it is a fight worth fighting for. One of the most famous comeback revolves around a politician who had been charged of money trafficking to Australia. He tendered his resignation as MB and head of the Selangor's UMNO. But stayed on until the time is right to pounce back.His excuse of 'I don't understand English' and some fortunate 'investments' apparently saved himself from further investigation. Now, he is a minister and the head of Selangor's UMNO once again.

1. Tell lies directly in your supporters face.
One example that I can highlight is that you tell the people that you wont dissolve the Parliament tomorrow but next day, you announce the dissolution of the Parliament. Do this and without a doubt you will be the 'most respectable' politician in the world. Con men from all over will come to you and learn from the master himself.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Lets see what the experts have to say about this mind boggling question.

Kindergarten teacher: Because it wanted to get to the other side.

Malaysian driver: To see the accident on the other side lorh!

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Donald Reagan : I forget.

Richard Nixon : The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, did NOT cross the road.

Arthur Andersen (consultant) :Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competences required for the newly competitive market. Andersen, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align thechicken people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.Computer Programmer:
In order for the chicken to cross the road safely they would need more than one driver to access the server farm, if not they will hang in the middle of the road.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross aroad? I mean, why doesn't anyone everthink to ask "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not onlycross roads, but will lay eggs, file yourimportant documents, and balance your checkbook.

Colonel Sanders (KFC) : I missed one?

Bill Clinton: I've had so many chicks, I can't remember...

Dr M:You know, I am tired of all this...'apa-nama' chicken-chicken bisnes...the foreign powers should stop intervening in our domestic affairs and just leave our chickens alone.. If they want to... 'apa nama' cross the road, they should be allowed to cross the road...
Malaysia is a democratic country; we le tour chickens do whatever they want to do... as long as they don't threaten the Malay unity and try to topple the government...and if they plan to do so... we won't hesitate to use the ISA...

Pak Lah:Ini semua adalah khabar angin sahaja...jangan percaya khabar - khabar angin ini semua... biasalah ini adalah taktik pembangkang untuk memecah belahkan perpaduan ayam-ayam semua... jangan percaya... jangan percaya...

Sammy Vellu :Ayyooyoo... belakang cerita lain kali, kita sude bikin banyak jembatan, itu ayam musti guna jembatan untuk lintas itu jalan lagi pun kalu itu ayam mau pigi jalan-jalan, beritau sama saya juga,saya bolley buat lebbey banyak toll........

Karam Singh Walia (TV3) :Seperti yang saudara dapat lihat, kelihatan ayam-ayam itu sedang melintas jalan. Mereka bukan sahaja melintas jalan, malah membuang najis di atas jalan dan ini adalahpencemaran yang paling hebat di maya ini. Bapa-bapa dan ibu-ibu ayam haruslah mengambil inisiatif untukmelatih ayam-ayam agar menahan najis sewaktu melintas jalan, sekian saya sudahi dengan.........Ayam di jalan dilintaskan; Ayam di reban mati tak makan.

Wan Kamarudin (Edisi Siasat NTV7) :Ape kejadahnyer ini semua, KL dah jadik reban ayam, mak bapak ayam asyik menganga saje.

Zainal Ariffin Ismail (Misteri Nusantara TV3) :Ada saksi menyatakan yang mereka apat melihat ayam-ayam ini melintasi jalan-jalan di kampung ini pada waktu malam. Ada yang menyatakan ayam-ayam ini merupakan penyamaran jin.Dan ada juga mengaitkan ia berkaitan dengan peristiwa silam di kampung ini. Apakah sebenarnya maksud tersirat ayam-ayam ini melintas jalan? Oleh itusaya akhiri, "Jangan biarkan hidup anda diselubungi misteri........."

Ministers in the cabinet : We will set up a panel to investigate if this video footage of chicken crossing the road is authentic.

Nazri Aziz : Bodoh, Bodoh, Bodoh, the chicken did not cross the road. It just walk across it.

Ramli Ngah Talib(Parliament chair speaker) : Mind your language Nazri. From now on, the word 'chicken' is included in the 114 words that cannot be uttered in the Parliament.

Lingam : It looks like a chicken, it sounds like a chicken but its not a chicken.

Zainal Alam Kadir(Wayang Kita Astro) : Ayam siapa kalau bukan ayam kita...

Dan Brown (Da Vinci's code author) : The chicken used to a member of a secret society Poultry of Sion. The Opus Dei chickens are on its back because of the missing parshments of Les Dossiers Secrets. And they(Opus Dei)are known for their 'corporal mortification' practice.

George Bush: These chicken inspector must be allowed to do their job....Let me stress now...their plutonium enrichment program must be stop, and make no mistake, we are not going to tolerate another WMD producing rouge chicken state, they are axis of evil state....and put all our options on the table..

Dr. Goh(maths lecturer): Its a long story....

Mr. Francis(accounts lecturer) : According to the accounting concept of Prudence, the chicken is estimating thier unrealised loss by going to the other side.

Ms. Kimmie(econs lecturer): The demand for chicken is rising on the other side. As supply on the other side is diminishing and prices begins to rise, the chickens from this side crosses over to let the market achieve the previous market equilibrium.

Mainstream Media : (headline)" Opposition entice the chicken to cross the road. All chicken die."

Chandler Bing(friends) : Could that chicken BE crossing any roads.

Pemuda UMNO : No matter how many chickens cross the road, we will still give our undivided support tu Pak Lah.

Mukhriz Mahathir: Since there has been many incidents of chicken crossing roads, I urge the PM take full responsibilty of this crisis and do the right thing(resign).

Rafidah Aziz :I don't care about chicken crossing roads, all I care is that i didn't get a cabinet post.

Khir Toyo: This is a result of ill treatment by the new government of Selangor towards the chickens. See, now they are crossing to the other side. Hmm.. maybe I'll add this to my new blog.

Zainuddin Maidin: This is not Pakistan, this is not Burma, this is not Thailand. Unlike there, our chickens do not cross roads.

Chicken: Mind your own business.

but I think the most accurate answer is

Political analyst: The 'chickens'(politician) cross the road(switch parties) to get to the stronger party after election.

Related links:

Malaysian Politicians Say the Darndest Things
Top Ten: Ways to be a 'Great' politician
Flip Flop Plunder

Are You Smarter Than An American.

Stupid American - Funny blooper videos are here


For those who have Astro, you should be familiar with the show 'Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?' . Eventhough you haven't watched, you might have heard about it and have a glimpse of it during its commercial. Some could say that they were paid to look dumb on national television, but I don't think that the same applies for the above video.

If you could answer most of this question, then you are indeed smarter than an american (play fair now, don't use the wikipedia):

1. Name a country that begins with a U.
2. Who's is in the coalition of the willing?
3. What's the religion of Israel?
4. What religion are Budhist monks?
5. Who won the Vietnam war?
6. Who is Fidel Castro?
7. How many sides does a triangle have?
8. What is the currency used in the United Kingdom?
9. Kofi Anan is a drink, true or false?
10. Who is Tony Blair?
11. Which countries are the Axis of Evil?
12. Who's the first man on the moon?
13. What is a mosque?
14. How many kidneys does a person have?
15. How many World Wars have there been?
16. Which state does KFC come from?
17. What are Nagasaki and Hiroshima famous for?
18. Star Wars is based on a true story, true or false?
19. How many Eiffel Towers are there in Paris?
20. Where was the Berlin wall?

Take a Break

On a less serious note, lets see what the cabinet members were doing before the most humiliating election for BN ever.


Pak Lah: This is the last meeting we are going to have before I make my decision on who our candidates are. First of all, I would like to thank Keng Yaik and Affendi for voluntarily backing out. You are truly gentlemen. Anyone else wants to back out? Think of the party, not of yourself.

Najib: I think Samy should back out la.

Samy: Apa pasai? Why you think I should back out? Why not you?

Najib: You are a liability to MIC and BN la Samy, accept it la.

Samy: What do you mean liability? Give me proof?

Hisham: Ayo Samy, our intelligence report say, we will lose almost 100% of Indian votes if you still lead MIC. If you get lost, maybe we can bring it down to 60%.

Samy: Pakla, don't listen to this two young punks la. Let me read this report just sent to me. After extensive intelligence gathering, we find that 20% of the Indians hated Samy Velu. Ha, only 20% la, where got 100%?

Nazri: Hey Samy I also got the same report la. Why don't you continue?

Samy: Okay, I'll continue, 40% cannot stand to see his face and 35% will kill him if they were to meet him. 5% believe that he is a good leader. Ha, I still got 5% what?

Pak Lah: Come on la Samy, you've been around for a long time already; you have made your money. You are even richer than me, so back out la. Think of the party la Samy.

Samy: Yes, I am richer than you but Najib, 2 deals only is already richer than me, why not ask him also to go? His submarine and Sukhoi and Altantunya also make him a liability what.

Pak Lah: I know that one, but he is from UMNO, that is the difference. The Malays will accept corrupt Malay leaders, as long as they potong, its okay.

Samy: Oh, kalu kasi potong kalu, berapa banyak rasuah pun takpa ka? Mana adil ini macam Pakla?

Najib: That is the way it is in this country Samy. We all from UMNO got immunity, you people, tadak potong punya, don't.

Samy: No, saya akan tetap bertanding.

Kayveas: Adei Samy, listen to them la, what they say is true la. Don't talk about justice all la, as if you are concerned about justice. This is not the place to be talking about justice la old man. We want to win. If that means you will be dropped then so be it.

Samy: Dei Kayveas, you just shut up la. You budak lagi la, you apa tau? What you want to be champions of the Indians ka? If I am forced to back out, I make sure you go down with me. Hey, Mahathir also cannot force me out la.

Kayveas: Tengok Pakla, tadak guna punya orang. Think of himself only. Just shoot him la Pakla, don't give chance. Najib, itu C4 lagi ada ka? Mari kita sekarang taroh itu C4 sama dia. Cilaka punya orang.

Keng Yaik: Samy ah, enough la. So long already you in the cabinet. You want to stay until you die ka? What you think they will bury you in the Makam Pahlawan ka? Every time people curse you la. Now even your own race cannot stand you, give up la Samy. Come join me la. We all retire. After all, we are not sure if we are going to win this time around. BN also not sure going to win or not.

Pak Lah: What are you talking about Kheng Yaik? Why you say like that?

Keng Yaik:No la Pak Lah, If everyone wants to deny us 2/3 majority, then all of them would not vote us la. We may lose more than just 1/3 la. Haiya, that one also cannot see ah?

Pak Lah: Maybe the Chinese or Indians la Keng Yaik, not the Malays la. The Malays love UMNO.

Keng Yaik: Are you sure ah Pak Lah? Now even the Chinese and Indians are willing to vote PAS if it is the only oppositi on available to them, don't you think that there would be Malays willing to vote DAP? Don't be foolish la Pak Lah. Until now still cannot get Kelantan despite all the dirty tricks. Who are majority voters in Kelantan? Malays la, some more what.

Pak Lah: Betoi ka dia kata tu Najib?

Najib: Jangan dengar cakap orang tua penyembur tu la Pak lah. Orang Melayu takkan lupa UMNO punya. Orang Melayu rela mati untuk UMNO

Nazri: Ntah la, ada lojik jugak cakap Keng Yaik tu. Memang la orang Melayu rela mati untuk UMNO tapi rela ka dia mati untuk kita?

Pak Lah: Apa yang orang Melayu tak puaih hati lagi dengan kita? Kita bagi macam-macam kat depa, apa lagi dia mau?

Kah Ting: Lu mau tau ka? Dia olang tengok sumua itu UMNO punya olang besar manyak kaya. Bikin lumah banyak besar. Keleta 4, 5, sumua mahal-mahal punya. Dulu punya Melayu punya UMNO punya olang tak buat itu macam. Kalau dia kaya pun, dia tak tunjuk sama olang. Sekalang punya UMNO punya olang manyak sombong oh. Dia kaya, dia selalu tunjuk. Dia tak takot punya. Itu olang Melayu biasa tak suka la ini macam punya sombong punya olang.

Nazri: Apa, salah ka dia beli rumah besar dan kereta besar? Apa orang Cina saja ka buleh beli rumah besar. Pak Lah, letak Kah Ting kat Tanjong tengok. Jom kita tengok orang Cina suka kat dia ka tak?

Keng Yaik: Tak salah, tapi baru 2, 3 hari jadi menteri sudah kaya ka? Dia punya gaji berapa? Dulu jaga gate keretapi sekarang boleh bikin Istana, orang tak heran ka la Pak Lah? Your weakness ah, is that you think the Malays are stupid. They are not la Pak Lah. Many have opened their eyes la. Many are not ignorant anymore.

Pak Lah: Alah, kalau kalah pun, kalah sikit saja.

Keng Yaik: Sorry ha Pak Lah if I say something. You have been sleeping too much, you have lost touch with reality.

Pak Lah: I think ah Keng Yaik, you don't resign la. This year you stand in Permatang Pauh, mau ka?

Samy: Pak Lah, saya macam mana?

Pak Lah: Meeting adjourn la, semua balik dulu. Saya mengantok ni. Nanti lain kali la.

George Carlin's Views on Aging

George Carlin is a Grammy-winning American stand-up comedian, actor and author. He is especially noted for his political and black humor and his observations on language, psychology and religion along with many taboo subjects.

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. 'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!' May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER : Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away .